I don’t have a lot of self-confidence.

I struggled with my job in the past, and do so still, because I don’t do anything “useful” with it - Basically, I just write code so my company can earn money by selling products. The products don’t “help humanity as a whole”.

I like to help out at furry conventions. I also always volunteer as an election worker. 1

These activities make me happy. Because I do something “valuable”. Also because I enjoy the company there.

A few days ago, a thought occurred to me, though. That it might be a bit… dangerous to get all my self-esteem from these activities. Like, I’m only "worth something" if I do these activities. This is a pretty fucked-up thought. I was like Where did that come from?

Like I said, I don’t have a lot of self-confidence.

Rationally, I know this is bullshit. I am… me/myself? People aren’t, shouldn’t be!, defined solely by “their usefulness to society”. I met a lot of people in the past that certainly weren’t in a hurry to get away from me. So, why do I struggle with that?

It probably doesn’t help that I don’t meet/talk to/do activities with other people regularly. I think I need to work on that with more. I’ve been feeling pretty good recently, though, looking forward to a furmeet and a convention.

That’s basically it, already, just wanted to write this down, share my reflections.

  1. Currently, I write the protocols, fill out the forms with the vote counts, etc. ↩